This business of diving back into my blog has been an arduous process. I've been coming up with all sorts of reasons why I can't, but today I ran out of excuses. I'll start by dealing with the elephant in the room.... my complete withdrawal from every single thing that God undeniably purposed me to do. Sewing, crafting, creating, writing, dreaming- you name it, I shelved it. Ugh.
Here's the skinny. I spent a weekend at a ladies retreat and had all sorts of face palm moments. It would take me hours to share all of the crazy cool stuff that Father is showing me about restoration and stillness and purpose, but I can't even go there, not yet. I have to start at the beginning. I have to start with the thing that had me convulsing in my seat, ugly crying for the whole world to watch.
The devil's so dumb. We moved back to Texas in October after 15 months of being transplanted to Virginia. I came back with so many lessons under my belt, so many new passions. I also came back with some serious baggage. I was hurt, not surfacey bandaid-able scratches, but deep cuts to the heart. And I was just running around bleeding all over everybody.
Just the other day my boys were watching a nature show about Africa. They love that nonsense. I walked in just in time to see a giant hand-sized wasp. If you're like me, then you feel like anything that has a stinger is the spawn of Satan himself. The tiniest honey bee can send me into arm-flailing screaming fits. So this Satan bug is an Africa tarantula wasp. It kills by injecting it's victim with a paralyzing venom, and subsequently injecting an egg into their stomach area. The egg then hatches and eats the spider alive from the inside out- emerging as a full grown adult. Oh.My.Goodness. Gross.
I've spent most my 32 years touting an ability to remain unscathed by people and their opinions. Pffft. You don't love people. Crafting is a hobby, a waste of time, God can't use that. You're just a housewife. You spend too much time chasing things that don't matter. Photography isn't important if you're not going to make a job of it. If ministry was important to you, then your kids wouldn't be an issue. You haven't made any friends here, because you refuse to make this your home. You're moving back because you love Texas more than you love us. You don't know how to hear God's voice. Some of these things are direct quotes. Some of them are just paraphrased versions of what I "heard" in my heart. Whoa. I let these things, these seemingly small rotten things that people said to me... about me, take root in my heart. They were planted deep, and together they hatched as self-doubt, fear, withdrawal, disinterest, and lack of purpose. Even lies bear fruit when you start believing them. I was being eaten alive.
Acts 8:23 For I see that you are poisoned by bitterness and bound by iniquity....
My first mistake? Entertaining the wasp. I invited him in, close enough to sting. That's not hard to do. You just simply cut yourself off from the truth, stop spending time in God's presence and you step into dangerous territory. My second mistake was letting myself get bitter over it all. How dumb. If you're bound up in lies, or hurtful words, forgive. And then recognize that your best defense against lies is truth. I was very much alive, still connected, still searching, but so paralyzed. It took a moment of stillness, of pulling away from busy-ness and chaos to see what Father had been whispering for months. The noise around me was just too loud for me to hear. I am rejoicing today over God's purposes, over His delight in setting His kids free, and over every single passion that He's spent the last two weeks unearthing and dusting off. He redeems all things. I am pressing in, EVERY day to hear from Him. I am done believing untruths, done returning to hurt feelings, done letting them stir my heart and steer my course. Are you?